Sawks

Yes, even tho they did get swept by the Angels, I’m still a Sox fan.  I endured almost 20 years as a fan, the highlight of my pain in 86 with the Buckner series with the Mets, to get to 2004 and again last year.  I’ve always liked baseball, but never been so much of a fan as I am lately.  This office is a total baseball office, and unfortunately, a mostly Yankee office.

I have to give it to them tho, they’ve turned it around nicely and are really coming on strong.  A big part of me wants them to destroy the Halos, and another part doesn’t – mostly because then they’ll be ahead of us in the standings 🙂

I’m done with ‘Manny being Manny’, and hopefully, the Marlins and Pirates will help me out here.  It’s obviously affecting the rest of the team, so I am hopeful that they can all agree to the trade, get Jason Bay from the Pirates and start playing some baseball and stop dealing with the bullshit.  Manny’s got excellent numbers, but the bullshit he brings with him is just not worth it anymore.  Peter Gammons, an ESPN and Boston reporter summed it up here (you have to be an espn insider to get it), but to sum it up – Manny’s ‘hurt’ when having to face certain pitchers, is full of himself, and is not worth the bullshit he deals out.

The game makes me sad when it’s all about money, and don’t kid yourself – it’s not about Manny being Manny, it’s about Manny wanting Money.

I really hope, for the rest of the teams sake, that we do hear that it’s a done deal.  If we can get Jason Bay in, and hopefully a middle reliever of some sort, we’ll be back in the hunt.  If Manny’s there for the rest of the season, it’s going to be like slow poisoning.

Theo, please make it happen!!!

Good morning!

Yes, I said good morning. Wake the hell up! I’m still clearing sleepies out of my eyeballs for crissakes!

We went to a lake in Upper NJ yesterday and I felt some stuff unknot for once and the nice thing is that it’s still relatively loose in my chest today too. Not sure what is going on, but I found that writing down everything I have to do in a list helps me a great deal.

The kids are going to my inlaws for the day so I will be able to work. Fae’s new meds are kicking in and making her dopey for the next day or so as she gets used to is and she and her psychiatrist get the levels right. She’s much better and able to do a lot more than just get out of bed.

Any other husbands out there dealing with this sort of thing?

Clearer

I’m not sure what I posted before, and truthfully, I couldn’t give a crap.  It’s almost 1am and for the first time all day, my head is clear and I can think.  Fae’s been to see the doctor and they came up with a plan to change her mood/anxiety/depression/sleep meds all around, so we’re hopeful that things will get easier.

I have to say, it’s a lot on me.  I am usually good at handling things and keeping things going when she’s down, but the last two months have been really hard.  I’ve been trying to do too many things and be too many people, all while the energy/spirit has been dwindling away from lack of ‘Me’ time.

Yeah, I need Me time, more than I thought.  I went for a walk, and of course, my flipflop started rubbing a hole in the top of my foot.  Figures!  I go out to work some stuff out in my head and I can’t even go for a walk.  So I took off my flipflops and went walking in the complex on the grass.  The rain has been pretty heavy this last week, so the grass was nice and long, and since the weather hasn’t been brutal lately, it was cool too.  Just walking across the grass had a calming affect on my nerves.  I’ve been really short and unavailable to the kids, and I didn’t want to do that anymore.  As I walked across the small field near our complex pool, I saw that the line of trees intersected with another line and there was a slight rise.  In essence, I had a small part of the treeline that hid me from most of the noise and people walking and driving up and down the street.

So I decided that I would just kneel and breathe like I do before Kendo, but the calm that normally comes over me wouldn’t this time.  Too unfocused.  I have been talking with my old Jujutsu instructor, Fabian Sensei lately, asking him for tips to try to get my carcass back into some semblance of shape.  He suggested the warm up exercises I used to do as a student, and thankfully emailed me a copy.

One of the things I’m dealing a lot with is problems with my shoulder resulting from my accident.  Normally when I am active, it’s manageable.  Still sucky, but not bad.  I haven’t done much martial arts lately, and it’s been stiff to the point of needle like pain in my shoulder and elbow, and my left index finger being numb.  Sitting on the grass tonight I took stock in how I was feeling and realized that a lot of my depression/frustration has to do with the pain and discomfort in my shoulder and back.  A lot also because taking a deep breath without serious effort is just another reminder that I’m getting old and the gut I have cultivated isn’t helping either.

So luckily, when I couldn’t calm myself down into a relaxed state, I did some of the simple things I used to do, reading them off my blackberry.  (Who says technology ain’t grand.)  I did most of them and felt some of the tension release and felt the focus and the ‘rush’ of energy through my body when I sat up and did the ki strengthening and channeling exercises.  No, nothing earthshattering, but made me feel a bit of my old self again.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far.  Tomorrow’s a new day.  Maybe I’ll get more exercise tomorrow than I did today, which thankfully, is more than I did the day before.

Finishing things…

Where is my head?  My head is thinking that I’m a big fat pig.  No offence to pigs tho, seriously.  Nice animals if a big pink.

I’ve been reading about people doing cleansing, people going on drastic diets, people working out like fiends.  You know what?  I don’t need to lose 50lbs.  I need to be healthy.

I think the kicker was seeing Mr. Mean Person today in the store and the fact that my shirt was hanging over my belly.  That so fucking depressed me.  (don’t ask about the mean people, I’ll explain it another time, I promise)  I’m not sure why it did, but he’s gotten into shape and looks pretty good, and I gotta say, I hate him for it.

As I write this, I am thinking of the real angst, the real crux of the matter here.  I am not feeling like I’m getting anything done.  I’ve got some stuff going on at work, and it’s a really big set of changes, but they feel like they are taking forever.  I’m trying to work on a new language to possibly program in for a suite of projects for work, but the timing is just off with everything.  I’m snapping at the kids, I’m constantly in a bad mood, I’m worried as hell about my wife – again, something I’ll go into detail at a later time, she’s okay, don’t worry – I just seem to be turning in circles and not getting anywhere.  Not able to get my hands around anything and just finish it.

Why does that bother me?  Is it the process of finishing something that I can’t accomplish?  I am the master of starting things.  The master of good ideas that start really well.  I’ve been trying to write a novel for 10 years and have nothing more than 5-10 pages of about 30 different concepts.  I think that’s the thing I always wrestle with, starting and finishing things.

Bleah, I don’t feel good.  I think I’m going to go out for a walk.

But before I do – do you have a way to shift my perception into being able to look at things differently and finish things, or do you have the same issues as I do.

How we met

As some know and some don’t, Fae and I met online.  In 1993.  Before online dating.  Before almost online ANYTHING.

We were playing a roleplaying game called a MUSH, it was based on the bestselling books by Anne McCaffrey called Dragonriders of Pern.  We began roleplaying and talking OOC (out of character – there’s a way to send messages to just that player) and enjoyed spending time together online.  I was going to be leaving for the summer, so she asked for my phone number so we could talk on the phone.

That was February of 1993, and 15 years later, she still thinks I’m kind of cool 🙂

Anyway, a post on MetroDad made me think about it.  Go look, its a good article about transitioning from online to real life relationships.

Blogging

I’ve been working on some projects – html, ruby, blogs – and I’ve come to the notion that I am truly a geek.

I started a new blog – The Real Green Guy to try and gather stuff I’m researching on how to make my life greener without spending a lot of money – ie getting solar panels, buying a hybrid, etc.  Looking for stuff more along the lines of using less water by turning it off while you soap up, or getting ducts cleaned to prevent air being blocked, etc.

I’m also going to try to start blogging more and finding and sharing interesting blogs.

first up is one I found by accident – MetroDad – an interesting look into the life of a NYC Dad.

second is one I found thru MetroDad, Wind in your Vagina – no, it’s not dirty.  See the post on the right side describing what it is.

Anyway, I should get back to my day job.  Flew into work today so I had time to do some reading and posting 🙂

Kendo, VMware and Whining, OH MY

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Internet,

I’ve decided that when I grow up I want to be an internet millionaire.  I need your help to do that.  Send me lots of money so I can retire to a yacht.  No?  WHY NOT?!?!?

Seriously, what is this blog about? Is it about making money through advertising?  No.  Is it about my obsessive need for people to know what I’m doing with my life?  No.

It’s for me.  It’s my stuff that I think and do, and a journal of sorts to see what I’ve done and where I’ve been.  It’s fun things I’ve seen, stuff I want to say, and maybe a tip or trick I want to share.  It’ll include everything from tech stuff to ‘i love my wife & kids stuff’ to how I got to swing my sword at my son last night and didn’t get DYFUS called on me

It’s also for people who want to catch up with what I’ve been doing, want to learn from the tidbits I drop here and there, and people like me.

What you can do is comment.  I promise I will give you more to comment about, k?