Clearer
I'm not sure what I posted before, and truthfully, I couldn't give a crap. It's almost 1am and for the first time all day, my head is clear and I can think. Fae's been to see the doctor and they came up with a plan to change her mood/anxiety/depression/sleep meds all around, so we're hopeful that things will get easier.
I have to say, it's a lot on me. I am usually good at handling things and keeping things going when she's down, but the last two months have been really hard. I've been trying to do too many things and be too many people, all while the energy/spirit has been dwindling away from lack of 'Me' time.
Yeah, I need Me time, more than I thought. I went for a walk, and of course, my flipflop started rubbing a hole in the top of my foot. Figures! I go out to work some stuff out in my head and I can't even go for a walk. So I took off my flipflops and went walking in the complex on the grass. The rain has been pretty heavy this last week, so the grass was nice and long, and since the weather hasn't been brutal lately, it was cool too. Just walking across the grass had a calming affect on my nerves. I've been really short and unavailable to the kids, and I didn't want to do that anymore. As I walked across the small field near our complex pool, I saw that the line of trees intersected with another line and there was a slight rise. In essence, I had a small part of the treeline that hid me from most of the noise and people walking and driving up and down the street.
So I decided that I would just kneel and breathe like I do before Kendo, but the calm that normally comes over me wouldn't this time. Too unfocused. I have been talking with my old Jujutsu instructor, Fabian Sensei lately, asking him for tips to try to get my carcass back into some semblance of shape. He suggested the warm up exercises I used to do as a student, and thankfully emailed me a copy.
One of the things I'm dealing a lot with is problems with my shoulder resulting from my accident. Normally when I am active, it's manageable. Still sucky, but not bad. I haven't done much martial arts lately, and it's been stiff to the point of needle like pain in my shoulder and elbow, and my left index finger being numb. Sitting on the grass tonight I took stock in how I was feeling and realized that a lot of my depression/frustration has to do with the pain and discomfort in my shoulder and back. A lot also because taking a deep breath without serious effort is just another reminder that I'm getting old and the gut I have cultivated isn't helping either.
So luckily, when I couldn't calm myself down into a relaxed state, I did some of the simple things I used to do, reading them off my blackberry. (Who says technology ain't grand.) I did most of them and felt some of the tension release and felt the focus and the 'rush' of energy through my body when I sat up and did the ki strengthening and channeling exercises. No, nothing earthshattering, but made me feel a bit of my old self again.
Anyway, thanks for reading this far. Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe I'll get more exercise tomorrow than I did today, which thankfully, is more than I did the day before.