Rest in Peace, J
I'm a big believer in everything being connected in the universe and my funk was bothering me for some reason that I couldn't put my finger on. I had a feeling something was going to happen. Unfortunately, I was right.
My Aunt is a nun, she works in Brooklyn in a halfway house for ex-convict women. Her work in the diocese brought her into contact with so many people, one amazing man in particular. I'm not going to use names because I promised myself I never would, but the one in particular has been a part of the family since I was really young. Through their shared work for the church, he befriended my Aunt, and became a very important member of the family. He was a constant fixture in our holidays, and became very close with my older brother. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer about 10 years ago, and after a lengthy stint of treatment, managed to beat it off and regain his robust healthy self.
He was an amazing man, a good friend, and someone I could go outside and smoke with at those family parties I hated when I was in High School and college. We were never as close as he and my brother or he and my Aunt, but I always knew he loved me and cared about me.
About 18 months ago, his cancer came back with a vengence, slowly taking over everything, including the bones in his face to the point where he couldnt' speak for the last several days.
My friend and family member died last night at 1:30am, thankfully in his sleep. His faith in God and love for his spirituality help me to grieve, knowing that he has moved on to a better place and left behind so many people who love him.
I love you J, you will be missed.
Now...those of you who have read to the end of this, I thank you. Now call those people you haven't called in a long time because it's been too inconvenient before that choice is taken from you. I was lucky enough to have spent a lot of time with him and on the phone with him, before he passed. Don't let chance or fate or whatever you believe take that choice away from you. Call them, now.
Who am I?
My name is Matthew Paul Cushing and I am sitting in the Bridgewater Public Library in Central Jersey waiting for my daughter to finish up her acting class. No, I don't want to have a Hollywood daughter, she just loves acting. I"m in a bad mood, so if the tone of this email upsets you, tough shit, it's my blog.
I've found over the last several years, that blogging is good therapy. Do I expect the golden apple? Duh. Do I expect that everything will be fixed by the end of this post? Of course not. I do expect that some of my random thoughts will come together and at least help me out of this funk I'm in. To do that, lets look at the root of the problem.
Who am I?
I'm a forty year old married father of two. My wife is at times the biggest joy and the biggest pain as am I. Especially lately. Me more towards the biggest pain part. Hey, I'm not modest, I'll admit I haven't been very easy to live with. I have two kids who I absolutely adore every second but tend to drive me to want to fucking strangle them both. And yes, I know it's all payback for everything I did as a kid. I don't think I was quite so complex as these two, but I'm sure I had my moments. (before you all call dyfus, please note this is mostly tongue in cheek and expressing it here allows me an outlet)
Don't get the impression that I am walking around with a black cloud over my head all the time. Lately, I have a lot going on with work, with side work, with physical ailments from my accident in 2007, and from generally feeling and being, Old. Is this my midlife crisis? If so, I'm kinda lame because the most daring thing I want to do right now is go out and get another tattoo.
As I went back and put in the () comment above about not calling dyfus, it occurred to me that several things happened this past week to contribute to my full head of stress. I worked from home Sun-Wed because Fae went to work with her Dad in the city, laying the ground work for taking over his clothing lines in 2-3 years. He's a rep for a designer, beautiful stuff. Work has been getting really crazy as we try to tackle this huge project at work, the bulk of which I am responsible for. And the cherry on top of it all, I missed my sunday Jujitsu practice because Fae was gone, and Wed when I went to Kendo, I had gotten a cortizone shot the day before so my elbow hurt, Aidan was weak and sick, and Gillian farted during practice and practically messed her pants. Needless to say, we left about 20 min after we got there, and truthfully as bad as it seems, I'm glad Gillian got sick because it gave me an excuse to leave early.
All of which just focused in my brain the fact that I haven't meditated in about a month. There, I knew this was going to work. I figured out most of the causes of my funk, and realized the answer was right there in front of me.
Who am I? I'm a Dad who's about to go pick up his little girl and go home and see if his kids want to go out front and have at him with bamboo swords. Because teaching them something always makes him feel better.
Random Thoughts
Is it just me or does Kate from Jon & Kate + 8 seem really bitchy? Granted, if I had 8 kids, I think would be too.
Got a cortizone shot the other day and it started feeling better, now it sucks again.
Stress and stupid bullshit make for a very mean, grumpy Matt. I hate situations that are based on past behavior and the expectation that you will never object to something. And when you do, you're 'disappointing' or 'upsetting' someone.
I don't want to get any older.
It's weird seeing the direction people go as you get older and how relationships change.
These are all really negative snips from my last week. Ugh.
I had two days off and truthfully, accomplished almost nothing. Truthfully, I don't really give a rats ass either. I got some good rest and hung out, which I think I needed more than anything else.
Quickchek sausage, egg, and cheese on a portugese roll is fuckin yummy. And no, I don't really know what a portugese roll is, it's like a kaiser roll, but crunchier.
I've been cursing a lot lately, finding myself holding back from screaming at the kids or at Fae for no apparent reason, and just generally wanting to say "FUCK THIS" and get in my car and drive to Japan. Yes, sometime between NJ and CA, I will invent a driveable sub so I don't drown. I'm feeling 'inventy' not suicidal 
All of this is making me want to post something else, and I don't have to pick up Gillian for another 15 minutes, so stay tuned for the next post.