Deconstructing Matt

Since this is my online therapy, I might as well really delve into things.  What makes me, me?

I am 40, feeling a bit older than I would like, but in relatively good shape, both mentally and physically.  Emotionally, I’m pretty good there too.  The reason for this post is mostly because I’m happy with lots of things in my life, but I have realized over the last 40 years, that without change, we all become kind of stagnant.  I’m a big believer in things all happening for a reason, and I have to think that the [powers that be/god/allah/insert your flavor of grand entity here] has a plan for me and that while I do have free will and I am capable of influencing my future based on the decisions I make, things happen that sometimes don’t make sense or do make sense, but are all part of some larger plan.

So.  How am I going to deconstruct myself?

I’m going to pick something about me, that has been bugging me and talk about it.  This week, it’s my facination with getting appreciation or approval from people.  My main goal for doing things is to learn, or grow, or change, or help, or do something positive.  I usually try to do things in such a way that I am usually not the only one benefiting from it.  I always want everyone to be happy.  I’m not sure if that would make me the best or the worst mediator in the world.  I have a good heart, and my intentions are always good…well most of the time.  All bets are off when it comes to Newman’s Own Espresso Chip Cookies.  Careful, I might take a finger.

What kind of manager will I make if I’m always wanting everyone to be happy?  I can’t stand disappointing people so I end up stretching myself too thin, and usually end up disappointing someone anyway.  I hate rejection, I hate confrontation, I hate speaking up for things that I feel uncomfortable talking about.

I was in jujitsu today, and was really disappointed in how I did.  I kept messing up, making mistakes, blanking on how to do the techniques.  The problem is, I feel like sometimes I go to class to get Sensei’s approval, which is so the wrong way of approaching it.  I want him to make a comment about “Watch Matt, he’s doing it correctly” or “You’ve been working hard, here’s a gold star”.  The huge problem with this, is when I am feeling insecure and I approach things that way, I’m never going to get what I think I need – which is really what I want, not need.  (I do have to point out that I have been practicing with my bo staff and paired up with him for some drills and he commented on how sharp and crisp my technique was – so I guess I did get what I wanted).  It also throws me way off because I’m concentrating so hard on waiting for him to point out how awesome I am, that I get distracted and do crappy.

So what’s the sum of this whole session of deconstruction – my inherent need for approval needs to take a step back and look at the situation and let my brain take a stab at it before my ego takes over.  I believe this will help me in many different aspects of my life.

Thanks for listening.  Feel free to do the same on your own blog, or in a comment here.