Being your own worst enemy
Well this person is getting this and I'm not.
This person is doing the wrong thing and I'm not going to say anything because I don't want to get into that mess.
She's paying more attention to him than to me.
I want what he has.
I have a really bad tendency. It's the tendency to do things cyclically (i think I spelled it right but it doesn't look it) and spiral down into poor me, everyone is planning/plotting against/excluding me. I have a bad tendency to be jealous, to project my thoughts into situations - sometimes without knowing what is really up, and just grind my own psyche into the dirt.
It's all related to my physical well being. My elbow has been hurting for the last 15 months or so, and I have to get cortisone shots every three months. It's keeping me back from really letting loose with any exercise because I'm always wary of hurting it and needing another shot. So I haven't been doing Kendo much, and now that we aren't going anymore, I'm worrying about what will fill the gap. So I take two oreos and worry about it a few hours later when I have a can of coke and a butterfinger. Which makes me feel fat, which depresses me, which puts me in a bad mood, which makes me think that everything is being done to screw me.
It keeps me down for periods of time now, depression, anger, frustration, worthlessness. It's ultimately all tied to one thing - did I go and "get my rah rah's out" as my sister puts it. Did I find some physical release for my energy, some way to channel some of that nervousness and frustration into some other task. I've always felt better when I'm doing martial arts, but we're kinda tight right now so not having to pay for Kendo is actually a pretty good thing. The issue is, how do I start working out by myself, and continue it? How do I get off my ass and go outside and practice the kicks and punches and blocks for any period of time without someone to do it with? Sure, I could ask Aidan, but at the same time, I want to be the student, the kid, the one who's being given direction and goals and things to shoot for by someone else.
I'm a follower who's trying to become a leader and sometimes I just don't know how to start. But maybe that's the crux of the issue. Maybe it isn't that I haven't found the right person to show me how, but that I shouldn't be looking for someone to show me, I have to become that person. I've got a lot going on at work, some big projects that we're about to kick off, and I have to tell you, it's scaring me and at the same time, I'm really excited. I'm not afraid that I can't do it, or that I think it'll be a disaster. I have enough confidence in myself that I know when it comes down to it, I'll always get the job done. I have already done so in the past, but it's so foreign to me in a way, so against my nature. Not necessarily against my nature, but DEFINITELY outside my comfort zone, my little safe box. I think it's always easier to follow than to lead, but the things I want to discover about myself and really TRY are ALL outside my box.
As a type B personality....but as I type that, I'm not even sure that's true. I think that I have been hiding behind that - that I am a follower, a calm representative of a team waiting for instructions, someone who feels better when I'm told rather than just doing, or telling someone else.
Am I more comfortable there tho, is that the root of my frustration? I know I make good decisions at work, that's the interesting part - my type-B follower mentality is virtually gone at work, and has been for some time. Have I already made the necessary changes and I'm just sitting here whining about something that really isn't an issue, except in my own head because I'm feeling depressed and fat?
Fuck this. I'm going to get my weapons and go outside and work out.
update: 2:16pm
meditated outside for about 10 min
warmups - stretching, jumping jacks, etc
10x front, side, round kicks
2 katas(forms)
all of my weapons techniques which took a while 
and I decided that I would run to really work up a sweat -
1.5 miles, half walk, half run. Feeling like I can't breathe right now, but I emotionally/mentally feel a lot better.