So it’s 6pm on Halloween night, and Gilli’s first friend shows up.  I”m already realizing this is going to be a long night because she’s a) afraid of our cats, b) never had a sleepover, and c) has never been trick or treating before.  Yeah, I know, she’s 10.

I’ll give the 1$ version instead of going into lots of details.  They all got there, made buttons for their candy bags so they could tell who’s was who’s, went out trick or treating with my wife for about 2 hours – IN THE RAIN – came back, ate pizza, watched some movies, and finally crashed at 12.

The only problem with this was we couldn’t let the cats out for fear that her one friend would scream bloody murder and wake them all up.  So what did I do?

After listening to them for about an hour, I booted my son into my bed, grabbed the cats with food water and litter box, and suffered through 7 hours of scratching at the door, meowing, and generally trying to get out all night.  Finally woke up around 6:30 and made the girls pancakes.  They all ended up leaving by 10 or so, and I started cleaning up for friends coming over that afternoon.  Yeah, I know  That’s why I left Fae to sleep, so someone would be coherent for our friends coming over.  Tho I had a bunch of coffee and was mostly okay.

That little girl will never know what I went through to make sure that her first Halloween, her first sleepover was as positive as possible.  The most important thing was to make my daughters first sleep over a positive experience, and by helping out her friend and losing a little sleep, I think I did it.  She even came over and gave me a cheek-kiss at one point.

“What was that for?”
“I know you didn’t get a lot of sleep because you wanted my friend to not be scared.  I really do have the best Daddy.” and hugged me.

I truly understood what fatherhood is all about, and losing a little sleep was well worth a group of happy little girls, especially the little one that was sitting in my lap at that moment.

That’s why I’m freakin a bit right now.  There is a class trip that they make in groups from his Middle School to a camp up in North Jersey.  It’s a lot of history and science, and hiking and cool camp stuff.  It’s also a three day event.  With other kids.  In the same cabin.  He’ll have to take showers, holy crap!

Seriously, the thing I am worried about is him sleeping away.  I want him to do it.  I’ve been trying to find ways of getting him to do this stuff without forcing him to do it which causes anxiety, which makes him sick to his stomach, which makes him freak, call me, and I go pick him up.  I REALLY don’t want to go get him.  No, it’s not the driving I mind, it’s the feelings he feels and talks about on the way home.  He feels like he’s failing in some way to face his fear, and that he gives in too easily.  So when he said he wanted to do this, I was not only surprised, but skeptical.  Not wanting to quash any feelings of independence, we talked to his teachers, asked what was involved and worked out a gameplan with his therapist.  He’s got things that he can use as tools to manage his anxiety and just curl up in his sleeping bag and crash.  And I have a feeling he’s going to be exhausted and hopefully just crash.

His teachers have already said they will let him call if he asks to, but we’re going to try everything to discourage him coming home.  Again, not that I wouldn’t drive across the country to get him if he needed me.  Mostly because he asked to put himself in this situation, I really feel like I can’t go get him, that to do so would be setting him up to fail.  So we’re going to be tough to a point, but if he’s really panicking, I’m in the car in a second.

So what I’m asking for is around 10pm tonight, light a candle, say a prayer, send energy to Aidan to help him through the first night.  I know once he gets through it, he’ll be fine, but he needs to believe that, and in order to do it, he needs to get through it.

What I hadn’t considered was what came as a surprise when I googled a bunch of terms together – a Celiac CAMP! We found it, checked it out, were really nervous about sending our 8 yr old, etc.  She had an absolute ball.  She was already talking about next year on the way home last year.

The forms had to be in by July 15th – medical, the registration forms, plus the check for the camp(which is TOTALLY cheap for a 6 day camp) – and around the 1st or 2nd, I was getting the rest filled out and getting the medical forms back from the doctor.  Gillian came to me around the 5th and said, “Daddy, did you send in the forms for camp?  I would be really sad if I couldn’t go because you forgot to send them in.”

My daughter is 9, going on 30, and yes, more organized than her 40 yr old father.  ”Yes honey” i said as I showed her the envelope I was just licking and stamping.  ”I’m all set.  Dropping it in the mail this afternoon”.  Needless to say, she was pleased.

Aidan and I were at Kendo camp this week (see my blog posts tagged with kendocamp), so Fae took her shopping for a few new things and helped her pack.  Aidan and I got home Saturday night, washed all of his clothes, re-packed them, and woke up Sunday and left around 10am for our trek to Rhode Island.  Yeah, the camp is 4 hours from where I live.  So we hiked out there, got a little lost, made it before checkin time, and got in line to get her all settled.  Got her medicine to the nurse, had her checked for lice (yes, you’d be amazed at how fast it can spread in a camp if ONE kid has it), and we brought her stuff to her cabin.

She was a little bummed, thinking she’d see her counselor from last year, but Tracey was in charge of the older girls this year.  She asked if her two friends from last year were in her cabin, and it turned out they were in the other 7-9 yr old girls cabin.  She turned and smiled, a little disappointed, but still in a great mood, “Maybe I’ll make some cool new friends this year”.  She’s such a trooper.  I could tell she wanted to be in the other cabin, but was determined to make the year fun.  She unpacked and set up all her stuff just so (she is SO organized – each outfit was in it’s own pile).  When she was finishing up, I thought I would just see if it might be possible to switch her over to the other one.  I walked out side and saw the counsellor talking to two mothers with two little girls who looked PETRIFIED.

“Hi, I’m going to be <girl 1>’s counsellor.  <girl 2> is going to be in the other cabin, is that okay?” As soon as she started saying it, both moms said NO rather vehemently and the girls turned even paler.

“Hey, I can move Gillian’s stuff to the other cabin, let them stay together, would that be okay?”"
“Are you sure?”
“Oh yeah, lets keep the girls together, Gillian doesn’t mind.  Do you honey?” I said to the figure shouting NO as she ran thru the door to repack her stuff.

Needless to say, we got it all straightened out, both Mom’s thanking me profusely and offering to help me pack.  We brought her stuff over to the other cabin where Andrea, the counsellor of cabin 4 said that “Two of the girls were asking if Gillian was coming back, did they mean you?” she said, trying not to grin.  Gillian just smiled and nodded, pushing open the door.

I still have most of the skin on my face, and the holes in my ears are slowly closing from the squeals of three 9 yr olds reunited fr the first time in over a year.  Needless to say, I think everything worked out.  When she was in the other cabin she kept hugging and kissing me, storing it up for the week.

When we moved everything over, I got a quick hug, kiss, and”Bye Daddy” and she was gone.  Got profuse thank yous from the moms in the other cabin again, and drove to Long Island in a very good mood.

AND we stopped at Friendly’s on the way there, so everyone was happy

So I’m sitting here thinking about it, and several things come to mind that I am doing right.  I was at the store tonight and the guy behind me was just letting his 3-5 yr old son scream his bloody head off.  And just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.  I’m sitting in bed “watching” the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” and every 5-10 seconds realize that I am doing so much right.  Yeah, I know.  My wife is the reality tv addict.  Dunno why she watches some of this crap, but I’m not really watching.  Not until they say something so over the top or the kids start screaming over and over.

Anyway.  So what am I doing?  I can tell you I do plenty wrong.  That being said, the main thing I try to focus on is making sure that they see me (and Fae) as being consistent.  Kids are all about pushing boundaries.  Not to be obnoxious – tho some parents do let it get to that point – but because they’re kids.  They need to push a bit here and there to not only see what it’s like, but see what the reaction will be, and to learn where the line is.  I also think it teaches them that if something is particularly important, and they do feel the need to push harder or farther, that they do it for a good reason.  I’m getting to the point with Aidan, and Gillian to a lesser extent, that when I think the argument or the point is made, he’s coming back with “Can I say something” and begin his argument from another tack – not begin to yell or be beligerent or angry.  He’s forming his own opinions of things, and in a different way than before, pushing different boundaries.  It’s frustrating at times because sometimes he makes NO sense whatsoever, but he’s exercising that ‘muscle’ in a safe enviornment and seeing the right and wrong of his approach so he can do it again with his friends.  Lets face it.  Being 12 is NOT easy.  Especially with all the hormones.

It’s healthy.  Gillian is going to be a lot more passionate about things, mostly because she’s Gillian.  Aidan has opinions about things and will open his mouth and say something if he’s excited or upset, which is 1000 x further along than I was when I was his age.  I had the slickest shoulders that things would roll right off of without me having to deal with shit.  Something’s bugging him, he’ll wait, but he’ll definitely say something where I definitely wouldn’t.  Nice mix of Fae and I.

I think as parents we use what we saw and learned growing up as a guide.  Of what to do, and what not to do, in equal measure.  There are things that my parents did REALLY well, and other that they didn’t.  At least in my opinion.  There’s the same thing for Fae’s parents.  I think it’s important to be partners with your spouse, to look collectively at what they learned to do and not do, and formulate a plan and STICK TO IT!  I see WAY too many people put up a united front against a particular issue, and all the kid has to do is wait it out and they’ll crumble eventually.  If I say I’m going to do A, if you do B.  You can bet your ass I’m gonna do A, and you’re going to remember what happens and not do B again.

The biggest piece of advice I can share about being a father is this.  Be friends with your partner, always put up a united front, don’t contradict each other, and have a PLAN.  So many problems are caused because Spouse 1 thinks B is okay, and Spouse 2 thinks they must be smoking crack because 1 should know that 2 doesn’t think that and so on and then the fight happens in front of the kids, etc.

Anyway, that’s my ramble for the night.  Goodnight internet.

One of the things that helps me in my day to day is the ability to sit and write, and I haven’t been because I’m too busy trying with other things.  One of the other things is the reason for my post.  That little update blurb was longer than I had intended, but I haven’t written in a while and it all just comes flowing out sometimes.

ANYWAY!

My son Aidan is 12, and my daughter Gillian is 9.  One of the coolest moments of my life was when I was living with Fae in Houston and Aidan was a toddler, he heard me open the door.  I heard his little feet padding through the living room and him yelling “Da da da da da DAH!” as he came around the corner and ran/fell into my arms.  Definitely one of the coolest moments as a father, well as a human being:)

Now that they’re older, I expected that they wouldn’t do it.  Both kids STILL greet me at the door yelling DADDY! as I come in.  We have a two floor condo, and you have to go up 7 steps from the front door to the main floor, and depending on who gets there first, they usually hit the first three steps and dive into my arms.  I’ve learned to put my stuff down as soon as I come in the door.  It’s fun when Aidan gets there first and Gillian jumps on him so I end up carrying both of them up

Will it stop?  I sure hope not.  It just about makes my day sometimes.  It’s weird to think I have kids that are this old, and at other times it feels totally right.

No answer.  I try again.  It is going to the message quickly which tells me it’s off.  Not happy.

I take a walk to the park to see if she’s there (“I’m going to the park with Olivia and maybe to Kelsey’s” – which is right next to it) and of course, she’s not.  I walk down near her friend Kelsey’s and call Fae to call Kelsey’s mom.

No Gillian, and she hasn’t been at Kelsey’s.  At this point, I’ve called her phone 4 times and I’m upset.  Not scared yet, but concerned because I can’t find her.  Went to her friends house and even better, no answer at her house.  I asked Aidan to go to his friends house because Gillian sometimes hangs out with his little sister.

“DAD!  She’s HERE!”

Okay, deep breath.  Nervousness passes, now the rage sets in.  She comes out very concerned, TURNING ON HER PHONE.  Which pissed me off to no end.

Needless to say, I let her have it.  Maybe I trusted her too much, I dunno.  I know she’s not going out that far or that late again.  Is this what it is to be a father?  Oye.

I’ve found over the last several years, that blogging is good therapy.  Do I expect the golden apple?  Duh.  Do I expect that everything will be fixed by the end of this post?  Of course not.  I do expect that some of my random thoughts will come together and at least help me out of this funk I’m in.  To do that, lets look at the root of the problem.

Who am I?

I’m a forty year old married father of two.  My wife is at times the biggest joy and the biggest pain as am I.  Especially lately.  Me more towards the biggest pain part.  Hey, I’m not modest, I’ll admit I haven’t been very easy to live with.  I have two kids who I absolutely adore every second but tend to drive me to want to fucking strangle them both.  And yes, I know it’s all payback for everything I did as a kid.  I don’t think I was quite so complex as these two, but I’m sure I had my moments.  (before you all call dyfus, please note this is mostly tongue in cheek and expressing it here  allows me an outlet)

Don’t get the impression that I am walking around with a black cloud over my head all the time.  Lately, I have a lot going on with work, with side work, with physical ailments from my accident in 2007, and from generally feeling and being, Old.  Is this my midlife crisis?  If so, I’m kinda lame because the most daring thing I want to do right now is go out and get another tattoo.

As I went back and put in the () comment above about not calling dyfus, it occurred to me that several things happened this past week to contribute to my full head of stress.  I worked from home Sun-Wed because Fae went to work with her Dad in the city, laying the ground work for taking over his clothing lines in 2-3 years.  He’s a rep for a designer, beautiful stuff.  Work has been getting really crazy as we try to tackle this huge project at work, the bulk of which I am responsible for.  And the cherry on top of it all, I missed my sunday Jujitsu practice because Fae was gone, and Wed when I went to Kendo, I had gotten a cortizone shot the day before so my elbow hurt, Aidan was weak and sick, and Gillian farted during practice and practically messed her pants.  Needless to say, we left about 20 min after we got there, and truthfully as bad as it seems, I’m glad Gillian got sick because it gave me an excuse to leave early.

All of which just focused in my brain the fact that I haven’t meditated in about a month.  There, I knew this was going to work.  I figured out most of the causes of my funk, and realized the answer was right there in front of me.

Who am I?  I’m a Dad who’s about to go pick up his little girl and go home and see if his kids want to go out front and have at him with bamboo swords.  Because teaching them something always makes him feel better.

Came home and immediately had a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal.  I wanted to go to the diner for some lunch, but the nurse said to take it easy or I’d get bad cramps.  So I came home and had a bite, and crashed for about an hour and I’m feeling pretty good.  Got the laxatives out of my system and I’m feeling human with a full belly, and drinking a LOT of water.

Here’s something that might shock you – normally I hover around 220 lbs.  I’m 6’1″ and could stand to lose a few pounds, but I’m in fairly good shape.  I weighed myself this morning – 214.5  Dude.  I had no idea how much food and water weighed.

My brother Tom has been looking for a way to get in shape.  I figured he’d go to the gym, or maybe join a martial arts studio.  Him?  No.  He’s going to do a Half Ironman Triathlon.  Tom doesn’t do things small, obviously

In his quest to get back in shape, he came across a website that trains teams for these things.  Please PLEASE go and donate whatever you can to his cause, it’s for LLS – Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and I think it’s fabulous that not only is he helping himself, but he’s helping out people who really need it.  He’s doing what some people can’t so that someday they might be able to have a decent life.

Go and take a look at Tom’s Training Page

They are so cute right now. Wait until they start talking. You want them to stand, walk, and talk so badly you can taste it. Then you spend the rest of their lives(that they live with you) getting them to sit down and shut up

Do I do that? No, but I like passing on that nugget of wisdom, it makes me crack up. Ugh, ever type with a finger that you’ve cut the nail too close or you rip part of it off right now? I’m dying right now, but I feel it necessary to pass along this info to you. I’ll clean the blood off my keys later

So what’s it like being the father of an 11 yr old and an 9 yr old? Wow, where do I begin. He doesn’t like being alone. She talks and sings in class and gets in trouble for it (sort of). He’s weird like me. She’s independent like my wife. They yell “Daddy!!” when I come in the door and run to give me a hug. They are friends. I’m freaking because I know they are going to start, very soon, thinking the opposite sex is neat instead of icky. I think it’ll be her sooner than him

It’s frustrating, it’s nerve wracking, it’s cool as hell and wonderful all at the same time. You have to make decisions and actually consider their feelings and recently, allow them to have their say. You have to try to guide them without making it seem like you’re telling them what to do. You have to be their friend as well as be their parent, and sometimes the latter really sucks!

So here’s my advice. My number one thing that you MUST MUST MUST do to be a successful parent.

You have to present a united front with your spouse/partner because if you don’t, they’ll see it, and figure it out quickly. I don’t always agree with something my wife does, but I will always support her and then maybe talk to her about it later. There have been times, however, that we haven’t pow-wowed beforehand and she or I will call each other on it.

One of the things I remember growing up was that my parents could do no wrong, they didn’t make mistakes, they were always right. One of the most important things we are trying to get across to our kids is the fact that we are human. Fae and I both had serious problems with drugs and alcohol when we were young, so much so that we don’t drink or smoke to this day. I think her addiction was probably worse than mine, but it’s something we decided together. We also decided to explain to the kids that Mommy and Daddy did this when they were young, and this is what happened. Mommy has problems with her nose because of everything she put up it, and Daddy took 11 years to finish college because for a large portion of that, he was too busy smoking pot and goofing off.

We believe that by providing examples of what happens, that we can hopefully cut off the addictive personalities they can inherit from both of us later in life. We also hope that they can see that people do make mistakes and that we are EXTREMELY LUCKY to not only have found one another, but to have succeeded as much as we have.

I remember learning about drugs and alcohol in high school – Oh I’m never going to do that! NO WAY! I was adamant. 2 years later, I’m failing out of the same college for the second time because I was smoking way too much pot and barely studying or going to class.

What’s the main lesson from all of this rambling – be honest with your kids. Be the friend when you can, and be the Parent when you need to be. Follow through with things you say, or don’t say them.

Anyway, hope this helps. Solidified all that rambling in my own head