How to be a better Dad, by M@
Not that I follow all of my own advice, but still, here's what I have picked up so far, and I hope that it'll help those of you who are doing the NewDaddyBlogs rather than people like me - I guess I qualify as SoonToBeDrivenInsaneByTweenDaddyBlog?
They are so cute right now. Wait until they start talking. You want them to stand, walk, and talk so badly you can taste it. Then you spend the rest of their lives(that they live with you) getting them to sit down and shut up 
Do I do that? No, but I like passing on that nugget of wisdom, it makes me crack up. Ugh, ever type with a finger that you've cut the nail too close or you rip part of it off right now? I'm dying right now, but I feel it necessary to pass along this info to you. I'll clean the blood off my keys later 
So what's it like being the father of an 11 yr old and an 9 yr old? Wow, where do I begin. He doesn't like being alone. She talks and sings in class and gets in trouble for it (sort of). He's weird like me. She's independent like my wife. They yell "Daddy!!" when I come in the door and run to give me a hug. They are friends. I'm freaking because I know they are going to start, very soon, thinking the opposite sex is neat instead of icky. I think it'll be her sooner than him
It's frustrating, it's nerve wracking, it's cool as hell and wonderful all at the same time. You have to make decisions and actually consider their feelings and recently, allow them to have their say. You have to try to guide them without making it seem like you're telling them what to do. You have to be their friend as well as be their parent, and sometimes the latter really sucks!
So here's my advice. My number one thing that you MUST MUST MUST do to be a successful parent.
You have to present a united front with your spouse/partner because if you don't, they'll see it, and figure it out quickly. I don't always agree with something my wife does, but I will always support her and then maybe talk to her about it later. There have been times, however, that we haven't pow-wowed beforehand and she or I will call each other on it.
One of the things I remember growing up was that my parents could do no wrong, they didn't make mistakes, they were always right. One of the most important things we are trying to get across to our kids is the fact that we are human. Fae and I both had serious problems with drugs and alcohol when we were young, so much so that we don't drink or smoke to this day. I think her addiction was probably worse than mine, but it's something we decided together. We also decided to explain to the kids that Mommy and Daddy did this when they were young, and this is what happened. Mommy has problems with her nose because of everything she put up it, and Daddy took 11 years to finish college because for a large portion of that, he was too busy smoking pot and goofing off.
We believe that by providing examples of what happens, that we can hopefully cut off the addictive personalities they can inherit from both of us later in life. We also hope that they can see that people do make mistakes and that we are EXTREMELY LUCKY to not only have found one another, but to have succeeded as much as we have.
I remember learning about drugs and alcohol in high school - Oh I'm never going to do that! NO WAY! I was adamant. 2 years later, I'm failing out of the same college for the second time because I was smoking way too much pot and barely studying or going to class.
What's the main lesson from all of this rambling - be honest with your kids. Be the friend when you can, and be the Parent when you need to be. Follow through with things you say, or don't say them.
Anyway, hope this helps. Solidified all that rambling in my own head
Comradery, brothers in arms, emotional relationships
I've always been a fan of war movies, whether it was the Bridge Over the River Quai type battlefield movies, or current movies like King Arthur(the one with Clive Owen), or TV series like Band of Brothers.
There exists, a feeling, a common emotion, a 'something' that bands people together in situations like this. It's a shared experience, and almost psychic connection between people that transends words and thought, and reaches the spirit on a level that can't be described. I've read many books and seen lots of shows and movies where this spirit is present. The Seven Samurai, a movie about 7 men who decide to defend a village from raiders - they come to know one another, see each others strengths and weaknesses, and form a cohesive unit, a bond that is strong enough that they can know that the man next to them will do whatever it takes to do his part, to ensure the success of whatever they do, or die in the attempt.
Is it the adrenaline? Is it a respect for one another? I felt some of the same unexplainable thing in my Tae Kwon Do studio with a group of people that I trained with, and later had the privilege of teaching. There was always something there, something that made us push one another, to egg on or goad or embarrass each other to accomplish more and more each time. My biggest success as an instructor was understanding that in situations like this, you bring out the best in people, by displaying the best in yourself. It doesn't necessarily make you the leader, or the best, or the one in charge. People are inspired by seeing people put their money where their mouth is, by setting the standard high and aspiring to achieve the goals and aspirations they have set for themselves. And in doing so, inspiring others to do the same. I think the mark of a true leader is one who is not necessarily trying to lead, but exhibits true leadership in his actions alone.
I think we do that for our children to an extent. I know that my son listens to every word, and sees everything I do as something he should do, or try to do. This isn't pompous of me, it's reality. Sons look to fathers to emulate and to imitate. I have the good fortune to not only have a boy who understands my weirdness, but who wants to be like me, and looks up to me. On the flip side, I know that my daughter loves me to the end of the earth, but is learning different things from me. She's much more independent and sees my behavior and actions and makes her own decision as to what she's going to do.
It's that unspoken bond, that communication between compatriots that I aspire to share with my children and teach them to try as well. Each group in the movies and tv that I've spoken of is lead by a true and noble leader, who puts his men's wellbeing before his own. Its the love towards that person because of this intention that is a beautiful thing whether it's a Major and his platoon, a Seargeant and his squad, or a father and his children.
My kids – Buddy & Peanut
How do I love thee, let me count the ways:
- I love that you both come running to the door when I get home from work.
- I love that you want me to read you a chapter from your books before you go to bed.
- I love it that you still like to hug and kiss me goodnight.
- I love the fact that even tho I grumble about it, you still want me to make you pancakes every saturday morning.
- I love the fact that you are still small enough Gillian to walk on my back without crushing my ribs.
- I love the fact that you are improving and persevering in Kendo by leaps and bounds even tho there are a lot of times I know you want to give up.
- I love the fact that you still think I'm cool enough to play with, and that you even let me win sometimes too.
- I love how much Aidan loves D&D and how much Gillian pretends to just to hang out with us.
- I love playing video games and watching musicals with both of you.
- I love you both, even when you've mad bad decisions or just totally spaced out and forgotten what I've said 2 minutes ago.
I love you both so much that I could go on and on until my fingers hurt from typing so much. Thank you for choosing me to be your Daddy.
Oh yeah, and most of all:
- I love that you still both call me Daddy.
I love you,
Daddy
The things we do for our kids
- Deliver 301 boxes of girl scout cookies. While she's on a playdate. And a sleepover. Why? because the boxes are too damn heavy and "if you don't get these boxes out soon, I'm going to kill you with them" threats make you move your kiester
- Go to class and get beaten with a bamboo sword. Yeah, got hit last night, and it freakin HURT! But I'm doing it because I want to do it with Aidan, not because the class is cool as hell and hopefully at some point, I'll be able to wear cool ass armor and stuff. Geeking out, me? NEVER!
- Allow them to put together projects without taking it over so 'they are doing it right' and instead give gentle nudges like, "Dude, the clay is falling off the base, you might want to shore up that one side" or "Yes, I think orange clouds would be really pretty".
- Read to them, every night before bed, because you know what? THEY LOVE IT! So what if you're half asleep yourself - do the voices you A-HOLE or you're a shitty father!
- Remind them to make their beds because when they do, Mommy gets really happy with them.
- Make their lunches in the morning, and every once in a while, slip in a note. Doesn't really matter what you say, just makes them feel loved. Tho I found that "Farmer John's Overalls are full of poo" is not a good thing to put in a note to your son because he spits milk out of his nose laughing.
- Stop writing on your blog when they come to you with a question. I SAID STOP! Save it where you are and be a Dad.
Okay, I think that's all my meager brain can come up with right now.
Internet relationships
Oh stop, it's nothing like that.
I went to James Madison University from Sept 91-Dec of 93. Went to some other schools before that, long story I don't want to go into right now While I was there, I started playing MUDs and MUSH and through a great series of events, I met a woman online before the internet really existed. At that point we were all getting into having school email accounts, and posting things on bulletin boards, and everything EVERYTHING was done with this thing called a modem.
I played this online, text based, roleplaying game with people from all over the country, in fact it was everywhere;There was a guy from Denmark and a girl from Australia that used to stay up really late or wake up super early just to hang out. Yeah, I know, The height of the social scene.
A good friend of mine and I had always talked about how you can or can't tell emotions from an email or from text scrolling across the screen - cool thing is, he made it his masters thesis I Still to this day think you can totally with some people, and not with others.
I've been thinking about all this lately and realized that the internet is really, truly a social phenomenon. I just spent 20 minutes talking with MammaDawg about books we've read, books we're waiting for, etc. I've never met her, she lives on the other coast, but I felt comfortable talking with her.
Mike, over at Unraveling Mysteries emailed me after I had missed a few days of blogging to make sure I was okay. I talk about Dad stuff with RagingDad on his blog and my blog all the time.
And Facebook? Oh lordy don't even get me started. But that's a different phenomenon. That's a reconnection, rather than a connection. I've found everyone from almost all of my ex-gf's to a guy who I was in CUB SCOUTS with (Hey Kev), but they are all people I have known before.
I think the internet allows us to find people who we are compatible with, can share thoughts with, or even in Mike's case - mess with, when the Sox pound the crap out of the Angels. But that being said, it's a catalyst for communication across space like never before. When the hell would I hang out talking to, or even meet, a guy from the other side of the US who smokes cigars, likes the Angels, and has completely opposite political views? Or a woman who is talking about her family and how her Brother is being a pill, or just checking out RagingDaughter Connie's latest pic to admire how adorable little girls are.
I have always said that this blog is for me, but admitted that I like feedback(no, that is not me soliciting for feedback). It's the excitement of getting an email from the blog that is a comment from someone about something you've written, or thought about. And they agree wholeheartedly, or vehemently disagree. You're making a connection and forging a relationship no matter how deep or how slight. I find myself opening outlook each morning, and perusing several of the sites I enjoy (including my newest fascination, the Bloggess herself), and spending some time every night rereading the posts and responding to them.
Why? Why do I care what is going on in these peoples lives? People I will probably never meet, and yet care about. Get sad when I find out something bad that's happened, happy when something cool as hell happens. I'm still investigating all that in my head. This post is part of it, and the main reason I blog. It's helped me to iron out some of the millions of random fired thoughts in this big mush back in my head.
And it's not even just the people who come to my blog and draw me to theirs. It's the people who are commenting as well. I've got an interesting mix of friends old and new, fellow bloggers, random posters who followed a comment I made on another blog, and just people who find me using google.
I'm not even going to mention how often I update my twitter account, and how often people remark on it on Facebook. That's just a rabbit I don't even want to look at, stay in the hat fuzzy white creature of doom
Being a Dad
What does it take to be a father? Who draws up the rules and hands you a list of things you need to do? Why do we become fathers?
Yeah, I'm not totally sure either:) I just know that I'm doing something right because my kids are growing up fairly normal. I got married at 26, I was a first time father at 28, and again at 30. So that means I've been married for almost 14 years, I have an 11 yr old and a soon to be 9 yr old. She's 8 and 11/12ths thank you very much! (Take a bow Gillian). I've been through diapers, teething, potty training, first days of school, first days of practice, and first days of away camp. I've been through night terrors, "can't sleep with the lights off", "can't sleep with the lights on", "Daddy get me a drinkie", and other things not worth mentioning. I've had just about every single body emission on me at some point and I'm still breathing.
My latest bout has been getting my son through 5th grade, relatively unscathed. Let me tell you, beware of moving from elementary school to middle/intermediate school. The kids get shitty and they can spot a victim from a mile away. Unfortunately, Aidan is a pretty sensitive kid and prone to take just about everything personally. So how do you make sure your kid knows you support him, without doing it for him, or wimping him out? Lots of confidence talks, therapy for him (and us), and a long breather over the summer. Thankfully, this year, he's got the stones to give some back and is quickly realizing that people weren't picking on him, they were just fuckin with him. I really didn't think I was going to survive that one.
So what does it take? It takes patience. It takes a lot of love, a lot of communication, and a lot of holding back what you really want to say because they need to learn it for themselves and telling them the solution or the answer to the problem won't help. In a lot of cases, it makes it worse. It takes a lot of hope, a lot of frustration, and a lot of disappointment.
Now at this point, you're probably thinking that I don't like being a Dad. Far from it. The cool stuff is what makes it all worth it. Even a tenth of the cool stuff makes the hard stuff easier.
They can smile and make my day. They give me hugs when I need them, even if I don't know I need them. They need me at times, and want to do it on their own at others. My 11 yr old still likes to have his back tickled as he falls asleep. My daughter knows when I'm tense and makes me lay on my stomach so she can walk on my back and loosen things up. The rush in on the days I work from home and tell me about their days.
They email me at work or send me instant messages.
They give me an excuse to play D&D again and finally get to DM instead of playing the cleric all the time.
Anyone can be the biological parent. It takes a lot more effort, sweat, nerves, tears, smiles, laughs to be a Dad.
Looks like I made it!!
Woo! I'm a featured blog at Alltop.com Go here and check it out man Yes, I'm at the bottom, but who cares!!!
Cool site, good place to find stuff by category without getting confused as hell by the rest of the crap. Like the no ads part too
New URL
I've been kicking around the idea of changing the url of the blog to something else for a while now. Problem is, suburbandad.com and .net are both taken. And of course not being used, but can't do anything about that.
Any suggestions?
Great Post – Metro Dad
Over at MetroDad, his post aboutRaising a Nation of Pussies hits things spot on.
I'm not into war, or conflict, or picking fights. Aidan had a tough year last year, pretty much cringing at what would come next. Now don't get me wrong, he's a sensitive kid and he takes things personally way too much, I will admit that right up front. We did tell him (and Gillian) that if it ever did get physical, that Mom and Dad wouldn't get mad if they dropped the little SOB. I'm not talking dirty, I'm not talking about them bullying people and starting things.
Someone starts it? You end it. Nothing bad, but if someone is pushing you and talking to them isn't working, don't run. Just drop them. No face or privates, but anything else is fair game. Folx, I've been taking Martial Arts for the last 15 years now. I'd love to teach them the finer points of a snapkick to the side of the head. Gillian has the chutspah to back anyone down, just by force of will. Aidan's gonna need some help, which is why I've been teaching him subtle things. I'll grab him by the wrist and not let go until he figures out the best way out of it. I'll swat him lightly in the back of the head and give him a "What NOW?" face and see how he comes back at me.
I think he's at an age now where I can begin really training him the way I want to, and truthfully, it'll be interesting because with me starting to work out at the gym, it might tie in nicely with my own physical fitness. I just wish he'd grow like his friend did over the summer. I swear the kid is going to be 6'5".
End of summer
What was it like? Do you even remember? Man, I sure as hell don't. Summer vacation seems like it was so long ago - I'm talking about the 5-10 yr old part of your life where summer lasted FOREVER!!!!!
Now? Jeez, it's the life of one project, or 6 regular meetings, or 60 commutes to and from work
When I was growing up on Long Island, I was friends with two guys on the block, Matt and Pat. Matt lived next door, and Pat lived two houses in the other direction. Pat moved in when I was 3, Matt when I was 4. So needless to say, I knew these guys for a long time. Luckily, they both had summer houses, and invited me out for weeks at a time summer after summer. I remember fishing, water skiing, and rock diving at Pat's lake house in southern New Hampshire for almost three weeks every summer. Going from fish are cool, to girls are cool all in the span of a few years. There's a song by Yes called 'Roundabout' that has "In and around the Lake" that always takes me back to that dock by the lake.
then I'd come home for a week at the cabana we owned at the beach, and I'd leave for my friend Matt's house in Montauk, Long Island. Swapping the lake for the ocean, rocks and dirt for sand, I learned how to actually enjoy seafood, went clamming, learned the ins and outs of surfing with boogeyboards, growing my hair long, Vans - mine were black and white checkerboard thanks very much, and flirting unsuccessfully with girls. I also had my first kiss with his next door neighbor Ellen - she was from Maspeth, Queens - got caught sneaking into their camper, grounded, and just getting the deep mahogany brown tan I got every summer.
Now how do I give that to my kids? By hopefully doing things with them and taking them places to make memories that will last until they are almost 40, dictating their lives to whatever form of media is available at that point in their lives:)
So what do you most remember about summer?