okay, I'm blogging because I want to blog.

Today was a day of really deep breaths, I managed to wrap some of what was bugging me, and let go of some other stuff as well.  This week is going to be busy as hell so I'm glad my mind is a little clearer now.  I have a lot of studying to do this week because we're going to being an implementation this week of some stuff I'm just scratching the surface on, plus I have been meaning to dig deeper on some of the things I know pretty well so I can know more pretty well.

Hope this finds everyone with some relative peace in their lives.  Deep breaths.

It's been pretty rough lately, and mostly for the reason that I keep complaining about - no outlet.  I keep complaining that I don't exercise so physically I feel like garbage.  Today I realized I had been stuffing all of my feelings down and not really having any release or avenue to explode.  I had a mild freak out which luckily Fae was able to talk me down from.  I've never been prone to panic or anxiety, but lately, it's been feeling like the glass is filling up slowly but surely.

I've been so busy and so stressed out in the last few weeks that I didn't realize that things were that close to the top and whatever triggered it, something pushed me off the edge and I couldn't breathe.

What a paralyzing feeling, not feeling like you have any control, or avenue of escape.  Small things build up until they seem like mountains.  I didn't want to hit Fae with any of this, but I'm always about keeping things in and not sharing.  I called her when I couldn't breathe and she talked to me until I got myself under control.  We talked for a little while and I gradually reasoned out what had been bothering me.  It's work related, and I don't want to go into it, but I realized that I'm really grateful for the people I work with and for, knowing they all had my back.  And that I am very lucky to be in the situation that I am in, being able to learn so much and also work from home so I get time with my family.

So do yourselves a favor.  Take a deep breath and a step back.  Look at what you have and can be grateful for.  I texted Fae afterwards, thanking her for saving me.  She sent back "You save me every day".

You can hardly see the scar, but it's about the length of the box.  I was lucky, I had the "Good Cancer" - basal cell carcinoma.  After being diagnosed by my dermatologist, I went to a surgeon to have it removed using Mohs procedure, where they slice away layers until it's gone.  My problem was that instead of the mole around the size of a dime, it was an iceberg that stretched across both collarbones.

Oh yeah, this was done 2 days after my daughter was born.  Nice eh?  And the day before we signed papers to move into our house.  Awesome.

Anyway, enough about that.  I am a cancer survivor, even if it was a fairly small procedure and didn't require chemo or anything extensive.  I'm not comparing myself to anyone else, especially anyone who's been through melanoma or has a loved one who has been through it.

I caught it early.  The mole I had always had started changing shape and instead of brown, it was turning gray and got shiny.  My wife had been bugging me to get it checked, and when it started getting shiny, I decided enough was enough and went.

Why did this happen?  My doctor called it a golf spot because it was right where golf shirts don't cover.  I always said I'd wear sunscreen, but I really never did unless someone nagged me about it.  I wish I had worn more.  Again, I was lucky, but I would rather have not had to go through that.

The point of my post?  WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!!!!  It's worth it, and it's not that big of a deal to put on.  Also -

Check yourself regularly.  And watch this video.

I have been getting allergy shots for about a month now, cats, dustmites, mold, & tree pollen.  The dustmites are by far the worst.  So I went yesterday for my shot, bringing my wife and daughter who get them as well, and my son and his friend.  I get the shot, they put ice on my arms to stop the swelling, and had a seat.  10 min later, I started getting hot, my skin started turning alarmingly red, and I got my wife's attention.  The nurse, who was standing next to her, hauls me out of the chair and into one of the backrooms.  They get me on the table sitting up, and a minute later I say "I'm going to pass out"

And so I did.  Luckily, I was on an examining table and the nurse caught me so I didn't roll off the bed.  Pretty strong little girl, I'm 230, and she's maybe 100.

They told me I was out for all of 5 seconds.  I swear it was like two hours, had such vivid dreams/vision of a meeting in my old office with three guys I work with going over a project we completed like 6 months ago.  Very vivid and detailed.  Next thing I know, I look up and see people leaning over me asking me if I'm okay.

I think that might have been the weirdest point.  So they pump me full of benedryl, and make me wait 30 minutes and I'm feeling okay, so I go home.  I get in bed, I fall asleep, tired, but feeling okay.

Woke up and felt like someone was standing on my chest, every deep breath made it worse.  My ears felt swollen and I was having trouble getting a deep breath.  Throat was fine, chest was not.  Every deep breath made my chest feel tighter.  Wondered why the Jolly Green Giant decided to stand on my chest, but it got to the point where I was getting scared, so I looked at Fae, who was on the phone telling my aunt that I was okay, and she said, I'll call you back, I need to take Matt to the hospital.

She called 911, a cop showed up like 2 minutes later, gave me oxygen.  At this point, my skin was starting to get that purple feeling again and the Jolly Green Giant was now jumping up and down on my chest.  The oxygen helped a little I think because he seemed to take longer between jumps, but I felt better when I realized the EMT's were there.  At this point, I'm burning up, my eyes and ears had practically swollen shut, and I have an EMT asking me loud questions that are hurting my head.  I tell her what she wants to know (mostly to shut her the hell up) and the head EMT moves in.

Calm, nice, and the coolest hands on the planet.  At least they felt that way to my burning skin.  She's asking me how I'm feeling, if this hurts, if this is okay in a nice soft, calm voice and I realize how amazing these people are.  As she's taking charge and giving me a different mask to wear instead of the tube with the things that go up your nose, I start shivering.  Uncontrollably.  I thought I was having a seizure or convulsions, but nice EMT lady assures me it's just my body reacting to the shot.  It's bad man.  I"m not falling off the bed, but it's moving my arms and legs and making it hard to get a good breath, thank goodness for the oxygen.

They got me into a chair, and now I'm sweating profusely, and manage to get me down all of my flights of stairs.  Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm in my boxerbriefs and that's it?  Yeah, thankfully they wrapped me up in a sheet to take me outside where it's nice and cool finally.  They gave me more epinephrine on the way, and some benedryl for good measure as well as something to help with nausea which I didn't really need.

Rest of it is boring, just sat around in the ER for a couple of hours making sure I didn't have another reaction and they let me go home around 1:30.  Thank god for neighbors and friends because Fae sent them down to wait for the ambulance, my neighbor snatched them away from the whole fiasco before they had a chance to see me doing the funky chicken in the bed.

When you get that envelope in the mail, asking you to donate to your local EMT or Fire Department?  Please do me a favor and drop in a couple of bucks for me.  I don't think I was in any serious danger, but the peace of mind they gave me was more cure than anything they stuck in my arm.  Or my leg, holy crap, whatever it was still aches like a mofo!

Not something I'd care to repeat thank you very much.  Not one little freakin bit.  I'm just relaxing today and taking it easy.  Going to work tomorrow like I normally do, just be in bed with my laptop tho instead of downstairs at my regular machine.

Aidan joined Marching band this year (at my urging) and is doing really REALLY well not only musically, but also socially.  Remember your first day of High School?  He started with 142 new friends, and a lot of them pretty senior girls

This is taken on my blackberry after two weeks of practice.  I still don't understand how they learned it all that fast, and how they didn't kill one another doing some of this stuff.

First piece:

Second & Third pieces:

Now I'm sitting doing laundry while my kids swim in the lake.  Doesn't seem like fun, but to tell the truth, I couldn't be more relaxed.  I spent about 3 weeks cramming in as much work and projects and got 99% of it done so I'm very happy and very calm right now.  Last year I had some big deadlines to get back to, so it was a little hectic.  This year, nada.

Fae is still home because she's working this weekend and Monday with her Dad, so I took Aidan with me to go get Gillian at Celiac Camp in Rhode Island, and from there we drove up to a campsite about 8 miles north of where we are now.  Put up the tent for the night, went and got an ice cream nearby and promptly crashed.

Dude, it gets cold up here at night  Good thing there were three of us!

The Silver Bay YMCA is kind of like the Dirty Dancing place - lots of things to do, people to hang out with, things like that.  My Mom used to come up nearby as a kid and wanted to start a tradition for the family, so here we are in Year 2 of the Cushing/Kingsley family retreat.

The kids love it because they can swim, kayak, hike, shoot hoops, rock climb, and their favorite - archery.  There's a really big archery range at the other end of the complex.  We stay in two cabins, and it's comfy.

So, this is the beginning of my vacation journal.  Day 1 wasn't super eventful because it was all driving  Day 2 is looking to be really nice.  Supposed to rain tomorrow and maybe Monday, but it said that last year and it got cloudy for a few hours and that's about it.