Dictionary.com has several definitions for the word Karma. I liked “the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person’s deeds in the previous incarnation”, but I wanted to define it myself.

I believe that Karma is generated by your actions, thoughts, and intentions but I think that we are responsible in THIS lifetime. What you do, good or bad, generates Karma. This seems to work most of the time, but what happens when bad things happen to good people or good things happen to bad people? How fair is that? How fair is it when you do your best or you try your hardest, that someone else comes in and totally walks off with what you’re striving for? How can I believe that if I am good, and fair, and treat people with an honest and courteous manner that I will somehow be rewarded for it based on what I’ve witnessed? Is the whole concept bullshit? Is the only way to be rewarded for things to be pushy and demanding? Sometimes it makes me sick to think that because I am reserved and don’t stand up enough for myself that I’m getting the shit end of the stick and that if I had said or did something more pushy or demanding that I would get what I want or need.

I’m also a big fan of the phrase ‘thing all happen for a reason’ and that even in bad situations there is some good. Sometimes shitty things happen like you lose your job or you get divorced or find out you or someone you love is really sick. WTF? How am I supposed to see the good in something like that? There are times that I see opportunities that pass me by in a flash because I’m not pushy or feeling entitled or just grasping things because it’s all about me me me. I sometimes think that I should start doing that – be obnoxious and fuck what everyone else thinks because it’s about getting ahead and all about what _I_ need. Perfect example on a small scale – everyone is waiting to pull off at the exit, some ass hole drives all the way up to the end, slips in, and goes on his merry way. Am I a sheep for sitting in the line? Is he a genius or just some entitled prick? Or is he in a hurry and he’s feeling guilty as he does what he has to do to get where he has to go?

I honestly don’t know. To tell the truth, I don’t want to know. Does it hurt me to watch these people slip in line ahead of me, or get something when I think I deserve it more? Yeah, it sucks. Do I think they’re taking the easy way out and getting rewarded for it? Sometimes, yeah.

The important part here is what I think of me. What I think of how I carry myself both personally and professionally. Is there anything I can be doing that I’m not already doing? No. Can I afford to sit and stew while I get dicked? No, but there are always extenuating circumstances. Do I have to like it? NO! The thing is, I can’t let any of that change me. I can’t see how someone is getting something the wrong way so i allow myself to be sucked into that when I know it’s wrong. That’s just not the way I’m built, nor is it the way I want to bring my kids up. I don’t want them growing up thinking it’s okay to cut in line, or steal music, or advance/get rewarded when they haven’t done the work or haven’t bought it or don’t deserve it. I have integrity to the point where I think it does get in my way, and I’ll have to really look at whether or not I’m hamstringing myself or not, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to do something I feel is wrong just to get something. And it’s not necessarily that I see being pushy or demanding as being wrong. It’s just that I want to stick to my guns and be rewarded for the way I do things. I feel like being pushy and demanding would lessen the achievements.

I never thought I was a jealous person by nature, but I’m finding that as I get older that I am to an extent. I went through a period of time in the last 5 years or so when my self esteem was pretty shot and I wanted what everyone else had and was jealous of the things and the accomplishments that others had around me. What I realized is that I spent so much time in looking at what everyone else has, that I didn’t see what I had. I was feeling unproven at work, fat, old, and sore all the time. Between then and now I’ve had ups and downs but I’ve really felt more confident in the last few months, mostly because I’ve been working out a lot more, and because I feel like I know what I’m doing professionally and personally.

So why is this post about Karma? It’s about karma because I have to believe that at some point, I will get what I deserve, truly deserve and that the line cutters will get what they deserve too. That I will be rewarded for sticking to my guns and really getting the chance to show what I can do and what I’m made of. I’ve been rewarded with so much in my life, that I almost feel guilty looking for more. That I have so much more than some, and it sometimes shames me that I want more, or that I have the feeling that it’ll never be enough. When it comes down to it all, I have to decide what I am willing to do to provide for my family, to teach my children, and to have a relationship with my wife in my decisions and actions.

I know what prompted this post, and I think it’s been stewing in my brain for too long. I’m not in a rush to go out and change everything, but I do feel better for getting it all out where I can see it. I’ll leave you with a saying that I saw on a bumpersticker about 20 years ago.

Karma, is a boomerang.