Who am I?

My name is Matthew Paul Cushing and I am sitting in the Bridgewater Public Library in Central Jersey waiting for my daughter to finish up her acting class.  No, I don’t want to have a Hollywood daughter, she just loves acting.  I”m in a bad mood, so if the tone of this email upsets you, tough shit, it’s my blog.

I’ve found over the last several years, that blogging is good therapy.  Do I expect the golden apple?  Duh.  Do I expect that everything will be fixed by the end of this post?  Of course not.  I do expect that some of my random thoughts will come together and at least help me out of this funk I’m in.  To do that, lets look at the root of the problem.

Who am I?

I’m a forty year old married father of two.  My wife is at times the biggest joy and the biggest pain as am I.  Especially lately.  Me more towards the biggest pain part.  Hey, I’m not modest, I’ll admit I haven’t been very easy to live with.  I have two kids who I absolutely adore every second but tend to drive me to want to fucking strangle them both.  And yes, I know it’s all payback for everything I did as a kid.  I don’t think I was quite so complex as these two, but I’m sure I had my moments.  (before you all call dyfus, please note this is mostly tongue in cheek and expressing it here  allows me an outlet)

Don’t get the impression that I am walking around with a black cloud over my head all the time.  Lately, I have a lot going on with work, with side work, with physical ailments from my accident in 2007, and from generally feeling and being, Old.  Is this my midlife crisis?  If so, I’m kinda lame because the most daring thing I want to do right now is go out and get another tattoo.

As I went back and put in the () comment above about not calling dyfus, it occurred to me that several things happened this past week to contribute to my full head of stress.  I worked from home Sun-Wed because Fae went to work with her Dad in the city, laying the ground work for taking over his clothing lines in 2-3 years.  He’s a rep for a designer, beautiful stuff.  Work has been getting really crazy as we try to tackle this huge project at work, the bulk of which I am responsible for.  And the cherry on top of it all, I missed my sunday Jujitsu practice because Fae was gone, and Wed when I went to Kendo, I had gotten a cortizone shot the day before so my elbow hurt, Aidan was weak and sick, and Gillian farted during practice and practically messed her pants.  Needless to say, we left about 20 min after we got there, and truthfully as bad as it seems, I’m glad Gillian got sick because it gave me an excuse to leave early.

All of which just focused in my brain the fact that I haven’t meditated in about a month.  There, I knew this was going to work.  I figured out most of the causes of my funk, and realized the answer was right there in front of me.

Who am I?  I’m a Dad who’s about to go pick up his little girl and go home and see if his kids want to go out front and have at him with bamboo swords.  Because teaching them something always makes him feel better.